Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Banning April

I was browsing through the VSP 2008 Crime Report this morning, and discovered that if we could just get rid of April, the already low crime rate in Virginia would be drastically reduced. Maybe I could petition the governor to just have it wiped off the calendar. Seems simple enough.

Hell, it's for the children, really, so who would possibly be against it.

Some tidbits in there that I thought were really cool:
  1. If we locked up all men ages 20-24, we would reduce murders by a full quarter. The impact of this is totally worth it, as we would save not one life, but almost a hundred. You can't argue against this logic, you big meanie.
  2. Holy freakin smokes! Black males from 15 to 29 years old make up pretty much half, HALF, of all the murders in Virginia. I won't add any snark here, cos' that's just a doggone shame. This should be a major focus of anyone looking at reducing crime in this state, as it probably should be in others. If someone really wants to reduce crime, figure out why young black men are killing young black men. We've covered this topic before.
  3. Aggravated Assault. If you don't want to get into a round of fisticuffs, then don't argue with people. Just walk away; that parking space is not worth it.
  4. Middle aged thirty something year old men burgle in the morning. And they tend to come in through a door.
  5. Keep your car in the garage in August, and it shouldn't get stolen.
  6. Despite what angry, white Republican politicians tell you about drugs and crime, alcohol is by far the most influential factor in violent crime by about six fold. I mean, you're more likely to get fondled inappropriately by a pasty skinned computer geek than a crackhead. OK, that's just one example, but drugs don't seem to be the factor in violent crime that people think.
  7. Automatic weapons are rarely used in crimes. I say again, automatic weapons are rarely used in crimes.
  8. Assault thingies. There isn't a statistic for the dreaded machines of death mentioned, but rifles in general - which are more likely to be grandpappy's Marlin thutty-thutty - are rarely used in crime. In short, rifles are not favored by criminals, assault or otherwise.
  9. Firearms are not the weapon of choice for attacking cops; personal weapons are, which is also true of attacks against us regular folk. The report does not go into detail on what constitutes a personal weapon, but my gut has quickly determined that they are mostly guillotines. Having a guillotine thrown at you is absolutely a deadly threat, and you should respond by moving laterally, drawing your own guillotine, and returning fire. Make sure you do a tactical 180 when the threat is down. Very important.
  10. More: Asians, Pacific Islanders, American Indians, and native Alaskans are good people.
That's all I've got for right now. Busy day, and a busy week. Sorry about getting carried away with my little tirade yesterday. I get wound up every now and then and go into a profanity laced spiel that serves no purpose whatsoever. I do enjoy some profanity though, from time to time.
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