Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Equipment Change Proposal

This one is the baby stuff edition.

Baby Clothes.

Some time ago, a genius individual designed little metal snaps that are amazingly strong, and very durable. Well done. But then some not-so-genius person decided that putting like thirty of them on tiny baby clothes would be a super idea. Then, along came some dumb-ass who decided that having thirty of them on tiny baby clothes wasn't quite stupid enough, and he or she sat down and pondered at length on how to make clothing your kid an absolute nightmare.

The solution was to make these little snaps the same color as the clothes.

EUREKA!!! I'LL MONOCHROME THE TINY LITTLE BUTTONS!!

And now, when dad gets up at the crack of 0200 to change little Johnny's diaper, and has to change out pajamas because the first ones are filled with poo (more on this in a minute), figuring out the fucking puzzle of how to snap the PJs back together becomes an under-the-breath curse fest, as dad can't find all the snaps to click them back together with his large, fat fingered calloused hands.

Hey, you people who design baby clothes, how about painting those snaps with glow-in-the-dark paint, or at the very least leave them silver? You can't even imagine how much you would be helping the world if you made the task of changing a kid easier for fathers.

Next up - Infant Diapers.

Infant diapers are the biggest failure I can think of right now. The sized ones for older babies are terrific; whomever is responsible for designing the technology for them should be given a Nobel Prize, a high five, and a space ship for being so fucking awesome. The amount of over-night nastiness that those things will hold is simply astonishing.

But the infant ones are shittier than the shit they're designed to hold; the people who dropped the ball on these really need a severe ass kicking.

The problem with them - and I do mean all of them; we have tried every brand with all of our kids, even the generics, and they all do the same damned thing - is that they sure do absorb liquid alright, but it takes too long. When your kid pees, it flows right out, all into their clothes with all those damned monochrome snaps, and into the sheets, or worse, your shirt.

Now you're all pissed (get it!! HA!!) because not only do you have to change your shirt, and little Johnny's diaper, but now you have to navigate the dreaded infant pajamas in the dark so you don't wake him up even more than you already have with your cursing.

I can't tell you how many times I've been dressed for work, holding the youngin' in the morning, and then feel warm piss seep into my shirt. They all do this, and it's frustrating. The diapers do not absorb fast enough to stop the flow from fleeing out the sides. Also, keep in mind that infant poo is pretty much liquid too, and nobody likes to have the mustard stain on their shirt.

The disapointment that I'm talking about here is that apparently, technology is such that size 4 diapers are advanced enough to stop ten ounces of pee at a rate of 1 1/2 OPS (ounces per second), but not advanced enough in infant diapers to stop three ounces of pee at a rate of 1/2 an OPS. How do you screw that up? Why half ass the infant diapers?

No excuses, just fix it!
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