Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Friday, June 8, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Plot holes
They're everywhere. Here's a blatantly obvious one that was overlooked:
There's plenty more where that came from here. My fav's are JAWS and Pulp Fiction -- hilarious.
There's plenty more where that came from here. My fav's are JAWS and Pulp Fiction -- hilarious.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into your swim trunks
Along comes the Girl Scouts and their stupid (and yes, delicious) cookies to completely and utterly destroy your waistline. The cookie boxes should have a BMI chart on the side so you can quantify the damage to your body, that way you would at least be informed.
It's bad enough that the calorie count in the nutrition facts label is measured in metric tons instead of grams, but the serving size is between 2 and 4 not-even-bite-sized cookies! I mean the things aren't even the size of a single Doritos chip! Lookie - the appropriately named Thanks-A-Lot wields 150 metric tons of calories for every two (2) cookies. Did you know a grown man can easily manage three cookies per bite?
In a moment of weakness, I smashed through the better part of a box of Samoas right after dinner last night, and it took me not even thirty seconds to condemn my flanks to several extra pounds. I might as well have swallowed a shoebox full of 1 oz. fishing weights and chased it with four cases of Stella Artois; at least I wouldn't have felt so sick afterwords. And before you judge me, I'm not the one that orders a cord of them every year; but when they're sitting there on the counter all vulnerable and defenseless, all the willpower in the world can't keep someone from devouring them with total abandon. I'm serious when I say that Girl Scout cookies need to be heavily regulated, with red-light districts put up all over town full of establishments that serve them so that those who must have them have a place to go and eat, and the rest of us who know well enough to avoid them won't be tempted.
It's bad enough that the calorie count in the nutrition facts label is measured in metric tons instead of grams, but the serving size is between 2 and 4 not-even-bite-sized cookies! I mean the things aren't even the size of a single Doritos chip! Lookie - the appropriately named Thanks-A-Lot wields 150 metric tons of calories for every two (2) cookies. Did you know a grown man can easily manage three cookies per bite?
In a moment of weakness, I smashed through the better part of a box of Samoas right after dinner last night, and it took me not even thirty seconds to condemn my flanks to several extra pounds. I might as well have swallowed a shoebox full of 1 oz. fishing weights and chased it with four cases of Stella Artois; at least I wouldn't have felt so sick afterwords. And before you judge me, I'm not the one that orders a cord of them every year; but when they're sitting there on the counter all vulnerable and defenseless, all the willpower in the world can't keep someone from devouring them with total abandon. I'm serious when I say that Girl Scout cookies need to be heavily regulated, with red-light districts put up all over town full of establishments that serve them so that those who must have them have a place to go and eat, and the rest of us who know well enough to avoid them won't be tempted.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Perpetual anger for anger's sake
If you didn't see what I did there with the post title, "anger" can't have a sake, because anger is an action committed by a being, and not an actual thing that's capable of committing action. Why that is important in this post is relevant to this quote by some perpetually angry muslims:
Wasn't this a hidden lesson in The Book of Eli? If the Taliban can send email, surely they can find that movie on Netflix and straighten themselves out. Then again, if they're so ignorant to put dead trees ahead of their chosen religion, than they probably aren't smart enough to catch the message.
What these guys are saying by getting worked up over this is that the pages the Koran is written on is more important than its content. The book is not what's important, but what's in it; getting angry about the destruction of the book is a de facto way of admitting that the content cannot survive being outside of perishable materials constructed by an underpaid worker pulling the handle of a machine. That's not the sort of idea that I would want associated with my religion.
Now I have to ask, is there like a publication or regulation telling you what to do with a worn out Koran? People do wear them out, I presume, and if not, than they have no business getting bent out of shape about it, as they're not demonstrating that their religion is of such importance that they can give it the same or more attention than the average law student gives to a law book. Is every Koran that has ever been made still in existence? What happens if you destroy one accidentally, like if your house burns down while you're out firing rusted rockets at US Blackhawk helicopters, and you come home from a hard day's jihad to find the ashes of your Koran in your mud hut? Is that. . . . . .a sin?
I'll tell you what. For discussion's sake (snicker!) I'll concede to the Taliban that the Koran can, in fact, be insulted, if they will concede that the Koran can also be insane in the membrane, or hot for teacher, or horny. There, Taliban. I've anted up; now it's your call.
Yes, I'm mocking this whole thing with humor, but while you're nodding your head in agreement, hopefully laughing Cheerios and milk through your sinuses, know that this is no different whatsoever with Americans getting mad about flag burning. "It's an insult to the flag!" Sure thing, buddy; but maybe you should let that flag be destroyed because I overheard it coveting your wife and bearing false witness against its neighbor.
**ETA: I forgot to add this:
***ETA: Holy smokes!! This isn't a group of angry muslims we're talking about here; it's a full blown riot! It looks like half the country has shown up at the US embassy in Kabul to burn the Americans over 70 burned books. This fiasco looks strikingly like when Oaklanders burn the town to the ground because the Raiders lost yet another game. And I love how the protesters are chanting that we have no respect for them or their religion when we've spent over a decade dying on their soil so that they can have a country where the world will respect them and their religion. Awesome.
In an e-mail message, the Taliban accused "the invading infidel authorities" of trying to calm the situation with two "so-called shows of apology, but in reality they let their inhuman soldiers insult our holy book."That is my emphasis there, as I note that a book made from glue, leather, and dead trees cannot be insulted. Insult is a feeling that is felt by a being, and as such a book is incapable of feeling insulted because it is a book. It was crafted by men's hands. That fact seems to be lost on some of the people who read it who have more extreme views. I mean, I love the bible more than any other book, but I'm also aware that the Word is not restrained to ink and paper, and thus it can't be destroyed. Do you know what I do with a worn out bible? I toss it in the trash, because it's worn out, that's what. Is it an insult to God? Absolutely not, because if a book fashioned by man's hands (or a machine in this day and age) is treated like it's the Thing, and not merely a means for us to see the Thing (the shadow of the Thing), than the book is elevated to being more important that the Thing, and thus an idol. I know I can't destroy God's Word because it can't be destroyed, so the act of tossing a trashed bible away is insignificant; I intend only to find another in any form that my physical body can use.
Wasn't this a hidden lesson in The Book of Eli? If the Taliban can send email, surely they can find that movie on Netflix and straighten themselves out. Then again, if they're so ignorant to put dead trees ahead of their chosen religion, than they probably aren't smart enough to catch the message.
What these guys are saying by getting worked up over this is that the pages the Koran is written on is more important than its content. The book is not what's important, but what's in it; getting angry about the destruction of the book is a de facto way of admitting that the content cannot survive being outside of perishable materials constructed by an underpaid worker pulling the handle of a machine. That's not the sort of idea that I would want associated with my religion.
Now I have to ask, is there like a publication or regulation telling you what to do with a worn out Koran? People do wear them out, I presume, and if not, than they have no business getting bent out of shape about it, as they're not demonstrating that their religion is of such importance that they can give it the same or more attention than the average law student gives to a law book. Is every Koran that has ever been made still in existence? What happens if you destroy one accidentally, like if your house burns down while you're out firing rusted rockets at US Blackhawk helicopters, and you come home from a hard day's jihad to find the ashes of your Koran in your mud hut? Is that. . . . . .a sin?
I'll tell you what. For discussion's sake (snicker!) I'll concede to the Taliban that the Koran can, in fact, be insulted, if they will concede that the Koran can also be insane in the membrane, or hot for teacher, or horny. There, Taliban. I've anted up; now it's your call.
Yes, I'm mocking this whole thing with humor, but while you're nodding your head in agreement, hopefully laughing Cheerios and milk through your sinuses, know that this is no different whatsoever with Americans getting mad about flag burning. "It's an insult to the flag!" Sure thing, buddy; but maybe you should let that flag be destroyed because I overheard it coveting your wife and bearing false witness against its neighbor.
**ETA: I forgot to add this:
***ETA: Holy smokes!! This isn't a group of angry muslims we're talking about here; it's a full blown riot! It looks like half the country has shown up at the US embassy in Kabul to burn the Americans over 70 burned books. This fiasco looks strikingly like when Oaklanders burn the town to the ground because the Raiders lost yet another game. And I love how the protesters are chanting that we have no respect for them or their religion when we've spent over a decade dying on their soil so that they can have a country where the world will respect them and their religion. Awesome.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Carry bloopers
A thread at ARFCOM on embarrassing and funny things that have happened while carrying. My contributions are on page three.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Crude Friday morning humor
ARFCOM's General Discussion delivers today with the thread: Describe your sexlife with the title of a movie.
I almost blew my steel cut oats through my nose before I got through the first page. You have been warned.
I almost blew my steel cut oats through my nose before I got through the first page. You have been warned.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Mark of the Beasts
And behold! I looked, and there before me was the smallest Beast, clothed in a garment made of soft pastel blue linen, fastened with monochrome buttons of doom. He had the power to keep mankind awake for days and days on end, and on his gums were two crowns, razor sharp and white as the stars. Out of his mouth poured drool and partially digested Formula crafted by the inhabitants of the city called Costco, which stained the tunic of whom it contacted.
Then I heard the second Beast say "Dahrglah!" - his speech still bound by the Ninny from Nuk. A giant with sandy blonde hair and fiery blue eyes, wearing a large smile, he rode a horse called Corn Popper, and smell followed with him. His power was to terrify mankind by climbing to the top of everything in his sight, and to consume all the food and all the drink in his path, and to torment with Corn Popper. Then he poured out his bowl onto the land, and soggy Kix filled the carpet and soaked all who were near.
Then I saw the third Beast, and out of his mouth came an endless stream of words, a dialect far beyond his age. He wore a T-shirt and underoos, and wielded a furious temper. His power was to horde all manner of things, and to exhaust mankind with his energy and his words. And I saw the writing on his wall, and under his bed the souls of the crackers and fruit snacks that had been slain by the Beast because he would gather them while the other Beasts slept.
And behold, the fourth Beast! Riding a thousand stuffed stallions, in her hands were colored swords of wax and paper, and her power was to send forth a plague of stickers in all colors and sizes. There was no end to what the stickers adhered to: to the socks of men, and to the bedding, and to the furniture! The fourth Beast's stickers consumed everything, and her wax swords destroyed all the paper and counter-tops throughout the land!
The the two elder Beasts looked upon the four younger Beasts with bloodshot eyes and saw that it was good.
Then I heard the second Beast say "Dahrglah!" - his speech still bound by the Ninny from Nuk. A giant with sandy blonde hair and fiery blue eyes, wearing a large smile, he rode a horse called Corn Popper, and smell followed with him. His power was to terrify mankind by climbing to the top of everything in his sight, and to consume all the food and all the drink in his path, and to torment with Corn Popper. Then he poured out his bowl onto the land, and soggy Kix filled the carpet and soaked all who were near.
Then I saw the third Beast, and out of his mouth came an endless stream of words, a dialect far beyond his age. He wore a T-shirt and underoos, and wielded a furious temper. His power was to horde all manner of things, and to exhaust mankind with his energy and his words. And I saw the writing on his wall, and under his bed the souls of the crackers and fruit snacks that had been slain by the Beast because he would gather them while the other Beasts slept.
And behold, the fourth Beast! Riding a thousand stuffed stallions, in her hands were colored swords of wax and paper, and her power was to send forth a plague of stickers in all colors and sizes. There was no end to what the stickers adhered to: to the socks of men, and to the bedding, and to the furniture! The fourth Beast's stickers consumed everything, and her wax swords destroyed all the paper and counter-tops throughout the land!
The the two elder Beasts looked upon the four younger Beasts with bloodshot eyes and saw that it was good.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I love War Stories
Entertaining and funny stories are what the internet was designed for, so go over to My Muse shanked me for a tale chicks and bloosuckers. The humor will fix your day!
Friday, November 18, 2011
&*%$#@ TOYS!!
Toy making dude #1: (Holding up shitty plastic stegosaurus) "HEHEHAHAHAHAHAH! Dads of the world will cry out in lamentations when they step on this toy!
Toy making dude #2: "Dude, stegosaurus didn't have that many spikes on its tail. They had like four or something. Is that. . . .metal?"
#1: (Petting the toy now) "Yeeesss. Yeeeeeessssss! Tuuuuungsteennnnn! I've put tungsten in the tail spikes, and razor blades in its back plates!"
#2: "You're gonna get us fired. Why don't you just stick with using plastic like we're supposed to? It's just supposed to be a simple toy."
#1: "But tungsten will penetrate even the toughest callous! Perforate the feetses, it will!"
#2: "That's not right, man; that's going to fuck somebody up! You should be locked in prison for the rest of your creepy, screwed up life! You're insane!"
#1: "MHOOHWHOOHWAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!"
And there I was, on my ass on the carpet in the dark holding my wounded foot. With my head on the floor, tears were welling up in my eyes, which were shut tight like a lock; stars speckling the blackness. I had fallen prey to the toymaker when I stepped right onto his cruel sadistic trap with bare feet.
"Curse you, plastic moldsman!" -- Dwayne. LaFontant! From the movie Over the Hedge
I haven't stepped on a plastic dinosaur in a few weeks, but I did have one of those PETS toys take me down a few days ago, and yesterday morning I walked right into a large plastic plaything in the dark in the hallway while holding a kid, almost planting my face into a wall. I've fallen more times than I can count due to toys on the floor, and last night I told my wonderful wife that we need a 35% reduction in toys to make room for the ones we will be getting next month. My idea was met with the comment to not bother, that the kids won't be getting many toys this year, which is precisely what I have heard every year. I'm skeptical.
When I was a kid, I recall many times when I left my toys out on the floor or on the stairs. Leaving them on the stairs was a serious offense, and my sister and I would be playing in a bedroom when my dad would come roaring in, spanking assess like it was the end of the frickin' world. I never understood why he got so pissed off from stepping on some green plastic soldiers. The man is huge -- my big-buff-rough-and-tough-and-stuff father who could kill six bears with his hands gets mortally wounded from a small, inanimate object? Whaaaaaat?
Now I know.
I see myself very soon creeping stealthily about the house while everybody's asleep, like an angel of death with a trashbag, sweeping up all the toys that I loath. I will cast them in a fiery furnace and burn them into a brittle, black ball of charred plastic while I laugh maniacally at my work. Soooooooon!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
If ARFCOM ran a Deadliest Warrior episode
Could a modern day Marine Expeditionary Unit, sent back in time, destroy the Roman Empire? Someone asked the question, and ARFCOM answered. From my unofficial tally, it's about two-to-one odds against the Marines for some of the dumbest arguments imaginable. It really got me thinking though about if ARFCOM ran a giant episode of Deadliest Warrior. There would be a complete list to the cartridge of all the shit an outfitted MEU has at its disposal, from M9s to M1A1 Abrams main gun rounds, against all the cleverness (snicker!) and weapons a 2,000 year old civilization had:
(In an overly enthusiastic, raspy voice) - Marines, the Deadliest Warriors of the modern age attack with bloodthirsty hunger wielding weapons of terrifying awesomeness and DEEEEEEEATH!
(Geek voice) - "Here we have a modern fighting force with modern weaponry. The Marines, while honorable, courageous, and committed to accomplishing their mission, often forget their sole purpose in life of killing everything they see and get sidetracked due to raging hormones and desire for strong drink. Some of the weapons the Marines will be using on the show are:"
(Raspy voice)
The M16 A4 rifle!
The M9 pistol!
The M240Bravo machine gun!
The M249 Squad Automatic Weapon!
The MK19 machine gun firing 40mm grenades of DEATH!!
The LAV-25 Amphibious Assault Vehicle with 25mm automatic gun!!
The M777 Howitzer firing 155mm high explosive rounds!! OF DEATH!!
The Bell AH1Whiskey SuperCobra!!! IT'S AIRBORNE DEATH!!!
(Raspy fake voice again) - "But the Romans strike back with a deadly arsenal of their own!!!!"
(Geek voice) - "The Romans were like smart and shit, and were known to change their tactics to win decisively against other large, primitive and starving forces fighting in massed clusters with weapons made from bronze. Here are some of the things our Romans will be using against the Marines on the show:"
(Raspy voice)
The Gladius! Three feet of low carbon steeeeel!
The Javelin!! Five feet of wooden DEATH!!!
The Shield!! Thick wood and bronze protected a Roman warrior FROM DEATH!
Whores! Slutty assassins who woo warriors!! TO DEATH!!
Chlamydia! Burning penal discharge of DEATH!!
Syphilis! The rashy kiss of crotchety DEATH!
Sour Wine! OF DEATH!!
(Geeky Canadian voice) - "I think the Romans are going to win this one. They were unbelievably clever, definitely enough to defeat the Marines' two millenia of technology, tactics, and complete knowledge of history. Aaaaand, nobody has ever thought of Marines being clever enough to adopt their strategy to defeat a numerically superior force. Also, a Marine Expeditionary Unit has a finite amount of ammunition on board, estimated at about one and a half million small arms rounds and hundreds of thousands of high explosive rounds, as well as a supply of batteries and fuel for only a month of operations. Once those run out, they're fucked."
(Other Geek voice) - "Yeah, you make a good point about the Marines having a limited supply of ammunition. But the Romans though had an infinite number of warriors who were not only super skilled with close range weapons made of primitive steel, but they were also like mad smart, too! They had so many warriors that they would never run out. When four Marine Corps M1A1 tanks annihilate a one hundred thousand strong army with all their leadership in a ten minute engagement, Rome would simply send in a hundred thousand more. The beauty is that Roman warriors don't even need training; they just wander out of the morning fog and stand ready in formation."
(Geeky Naval Special Warfare guy) - "I'm going to go with the Marines on this one. The Roman army, while admittedly super clever with their aquaducts and all, would not operate all that well as a fighting unit once all their generals and leadership were assassinated silently in their beds at night by green faced Marines with night vision goggles and suppressed rifles. And considering the devastation that a 155mm artillery barrage has against a force wearing body armor dispersed amongst rocks and cover, much less a formation of malnourished troops shoulder to shoulder in an open field wearing leather and wood, I'd say that if there even was a head on battle, it would be over in two minutes. One or two battles per region and that whole area would fall, which would destabilize the empire, and then the Marines would own all the harlots and booze they wanted."
(Geeky guy) - "Hmmmmm. Good points all around; it looks like it's going to be a tough call. But once we get all the data loaded into our sim, it will give us the answer."
(Raspy voice) - "Representing the Roman army are two Greek cooks from Manhattan, both direct descendants from warriors who fought in the Roman army."
(Greek cook) - "We're gonna kick their asses! Romans had gleaming muscles and thick chest hair under all their ridiculously effective armor, and had trained from before birth to wield a sword! No contest."
(Raspy voice) -"Representing the Marine Expeditionary Unit are two Marine Corps war veterans who, as Force Recon Snipers, killed thousands and thousands of terrorists across the globe using the devestating power of combined arms!"
(Marine, with a huge dip in his mouth) - "This is a fucking joke, right? I mean, we aren't talking about a MEU occupying a large land area or conquering every last city; all we need to do is slaughter a few hundred thousand Romans and the empire will break up. We'll take Rome on the first night!"
ETA: (Raspy voice) -- "WHO! IS! DEADLIEST!!!"
Yes, I have a wild imagination floating around in all this bitterness.
(In an overly enthusiastic, raspy voice) - Marines, the Deadliest Warriors of the modern age attack with bloodthirsty hunger wielding weapons of terrifying awesomeness and DEEEEEEEATH!
(Geek voice) - "Here we have a modern fighting force with modern weaponry. The Marines, while honorable, courageous, and committed to accomplishing their mission, often forget their sole purpose in life of killing everything they see and get sidetracked due to raging hormones and desire for strong drink. Some of the weapons the Marines will be using on the show are:"
(Raspy voice)
The M16 A4 rifle!
The M9 pistol!
The M240Bravo machine gun!
The M249 Squad Automatic Weapon!
The MK19 machine gun firing 40mm grenades of DEATH!!
The LAV-25 Amphibious Assault Vehicle with 25mm automatic gun!!
The M777 Howitzer firing 155mm high explosive rounds!! OF DEATH!!
The Bell AH1Whiskey SuperCobra!!! IT'S AIRBORNE DEATH!!!
(Raspy fake voice again) - "But the Romans strike back with a deadly arsenal of their own!!!!"
(Geek voice) - "The Romans were like smart and shit, and were known to change their tactics to win decisively against other large, primitive and starving forces fighting in massed clusters with weapons made from bronze. Here are some of the things our Romans will be using against the Marines on the show:"
(Raspy voice)
The Gladius! Three feet of low carbon steeeeel!
The Javelin!! Five feet of wooden DEATH!!!
The Shield!! Thick wood and bronze protected a Roman warrior FROM DEATH!
Whores! Slutty assassins who woo warriors!! TO DEATH!!
Chlamydia! Burning penal discharge of DEATH!!
Syphilis! The rashy kiss of crotchety DEATH!
Sour Wine! OF DEATH!!
(Geeky Canadian voice) - "I think the Romans are going to win this one. They were unbelievably clever, definitely enough to defeat the Marines' two millenia of technology, tactics, and complete knowledge of history. Aaaaand, nobody has ever thought of Marines being clever enough to adopt their strategy to defeat a numerically superior force. Also, a Marine Expeditionary Unit has a finite amount of ammunition on board, estimated at about one and a half million small arms rounds and hundreds of thousands of high explosive rounds, as well as a supply of batteries and fuel for only a month of operations. Once those run out, they're fucked."
(Other Geek voice) - "Yeah, you make a good point about the Marines having a limited supply of ammunition. But the Romans though had an infinite number of warriors who were not only super skilled with close range weapons made of primitive steel, but they were also like mad smart, too! They had so many warriors that they would never run out. When four Marine Corps M1A1 tanks annihilate a one hundred thousand strong army with all their leadership in a ten minute engagement, Rome would simply send in a hundred thousand more. The beauty is that Roman warriors don't even need training; they just wander out of the morning fog and stand ready in formation."
(Geeky Naval Special Warfare guy) - "I'm going to go with the Marines on this one. The Roman army, while admittedly super clever with their aquaducts and all, would not operate all that well as a fighting unit once all their generals and leadership were assassinated silently in their beds at night by green faced Marines with night vision goggles and suppressed rifles. And considering the devastation that a 155mm artillery barrage has against a force wearing body armor dispersed amongst rocks and cover, much less a formation of malnourished troops shoulder to shoulder in an open field wearing leather and wood, I'd say that if there even was a head on battle, it would be over in two minutes. One or two battles per region and that whole area would fall, which would destabilize the empire, and then the Marines would own all the harlots and booze they wanted."
(Geeky guy) - "Hmmmmm. Good points all around; it looks like it's going to be a tough call. But once we get all the data loaded into our sim, it will give us the answer."
(Raspy voice) - "Representing the Roman army are two Greek cooks from Manhattan, both direct descendants from warriors who fought in the Roman army."
(Greek cook) - "We're gonna kick their asses! Romans had gleaming muscles and thick chest hair under all their ridiculously effective armor, and had trained from before birth to wield a sword! No contest."
(Raspy voice) -"Representing the Marine Expeditionary Unit are two Marine Corps war veterans who, as Force Recon Snipers, killed thousands and thousands of terrorists across the globe using the devestating power of combined arms!"
(Marine, with a huge dip in his mouth) - "This is a fucking joke, right? I mean, we aren't talking about a MEU occupying a large land area or conquering every last city; all we need to do is slaughter a few hundred thousand Romans and the empire will break up. We'll take Rome on the first night!"
ETA: (Raspy voice) -- "WHO! IS! DEADLIEST!!!"
Yes, I have a wild imagination floating around in all this bitterness.
Monday, October 31, 2011
I suck at Family Feud
Wife, playing Family Feud on her iphone: "What is something China is known for?"
Me, without hesitation and while still typing the last post: "Genocide."
Wife: "Nope. Two answers were the Great Wall and Communism. They gave 'great food' and 'Chinese New Year.'"
My Asian history is a little hazy, but didn't China work hundreds of thousands, if not millions of workers to death building their Great Wall? Apparently 100 people surveyed and I are not on the same page.
Me, without hesitation and while still typing the last post: "Genocide."
Wife: "Nope. Two answers were the Great Wall and Communism. They gave 'great food' and 'Chinese New Year.'"
My Asian history is a little hazy, but didn't China work hundreds of thousands, if not millions of workers to death building their Great Wall? Apparently 100 people surveyed and I are not on the same page.
Monday, October 24, 2011
This is why I can't have nice things
What I initially thought were marks from a kid's washable marker turned out be deep gouges from who knows what after closer inspection under better light.
GGGGGGGRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr. . . .
Whomever coined the phrase "the pitter patter of little feet" with the notion of well behaved darlings frolicking around the house must have been high. My house is awash with the sounds of AAHHHHHGGGGG!!! THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUD-THUMP THUD-THUMP THUD-THUMP WHUMP-THUD-THUMP WHUMP-THUD-THUMP WUMP-THUD-THUMP AAAAAAHHHH WEEEEE AAAHHHGG!!! -- followed by the unmistakable sound of some object being smashed/thrown against the wall/hurled down the stairs.
My poor Oakley's. Its Achilles Heel was exploited by one of my children, whom I have to give some credit to for being able to destroy a pair of sunglasses that are basically indestructible. Then again, my father has told me more than once that when I was a kid, "[I] could fuck up an anvil with a rubber hammer."
The apples don't fall far from the tree.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Kids say the darndest things: Bedtime Edition
I'm about as smart-assed as they come. I mean, I have to hold my breath and struggle to remain serious about everything, and not crack stupid redundant jokes in every single conversation.
--Wife: "I'm gonna jump in the shower."
--Me: "You shouldn't jump in the shower; it's dangerous."
--Wife: "That wasn't even funny five years ago. Does that ever get old?"
Not really.
So it's bedtime for my kids, and I suggest to my firstborn son (almost 3 years old) that he set up his bag of Cracker Barrel pirate figures in his bedroom and make the black pirates fight the red ones.
--Son: "But I caaaan't. It's dark in there and I'm scared of monsters."
--Me: "Your scared of what? Lobsters?"
--Son: "No. Monsters."
--Me: "Mobsters?!?" You're scared of Mobsters?"
--Son: "No. Monsters. And I'm scared of gween bwobs."
--Me: "I'm totally putting that on the internet!"
A couple of months ago he ran up to me enthusiastically and told me he saw a "wizard," which I knew through my Divine, daddy translation skills meant "lizard," but I just couldn't resist:
--Me: "You saw a Wizard! Cooool! Did he have a long beard?"
--Son: "No daddy. I said wizard!"
--Me: "Was the Wizard's name Gandalf?"
--Son: "No, daddy!! I said Wizard!! Not Wizard!!"
Kids can be endless entertainment! And yes, I can be a dick.
--Wife: "I'm gonna jump in the shower."
--Me: "You shouldn't jump in the shower; it's dangerous."
--Wife: "That wasn't even funny five years ago. Does that ever get old?"
Not really.
So it's bedtime for my kids, and I suggest to my firstborn son (almost 3 years old) that he set up his bag of Cracker Barrel pirate figures in his bedroom and make the black pirates fight the red ones.
--Son: "But I caaaan't. It's dark in there and I'm scared of monsters."
--Me: "Your scared of what? Lobsters?"
--Son: "No. Monsters."
--Me: "Mobsters?!?" You're scared of Mobsters?"
--Son: "No. Monsters. And I'm scared of gween bwobs."
--Me: "I'm totally putting that on the internet!"
A couple of months ago he ran up to me enthusiastically and told me he saw a "wizard," which I knew through my Divine, daddy translation skills meant "lizard," but I just couldn't resist:
--Me: "You saw a Wizard! Cooool! Did he have a long beard?"
--Son: "No daddy. I said wizard!"
--Me: "Was the Wizard's name Gandalf?"
--Son: "No, daddy!! I said Wizard!! Not Wizard!!"
Kids can be endless entertainment! And yes, I can be a dick.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
So harlots may live
I find this story to be very odd, not because I begrudge the porn industry of preparedness from their stated fear of radioactive zombies, but because of all ideas to build a haven from worldly disaster they decided on building a bunker underground near one of the most active fault lines in the world. I think I would build a single-story hardened structure right on the surface, but then again I'm not an earthquake expert. I would also put the Sliding Gun Rack Compartments next to the Security Insertion Checkpoint. That's just me though.
To be fair to the porn industry, at least they are finally planning for the inevitable fact that they will miss the rapture. That's being prepared!
To be fair to the porn industry, at least they are finally planning for the inevitable fact that they will miss the rapture. That's being prepared!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Beast that will not sleep
In the dark of night, the Beast is angry and restless; he writhes about in red faced fury. The Beast has a need, a deep want, a desire that burns bright within his belly, that he does not himself know and will not reveal to you, yet you must find it and provide remedy or you shall surely be punished. Like Nebakanezer's dreams, without any clues you must know what will please the Beast and give it swiftly; your timing must be perfect, or it shall not work. Fail at this task and you will find yourself cast into the Sea of Exhaustion of which there will be suffering beyond anything you can imagine.
And so it was at three ay-ehm, in the year of our Lord, two thousand eleven, I, CTone, was sitting in the Recliner of Squeakiness trying to please the Beast with gifts of the finest plastic binkys and soft blankets woven from the manes of unicorn foals. Finally, when the sun crested on yonder hill, the Beast found satisfaction from a magic potion made of Formula from the distant land of Enfamil; but only after the Beast's portion of the elixir was tripled did he slumber in sweet Formula induced coma. The Beast was then strapped gently into the Swing of Peace, so as to not awaken him, and then once he was temporarily bound in the Swing was there silence in the land.
I cry out now from the Sea of Exhaustion where I must perform my duties with diligence under much gnashing of teeth. Tonight I shall not fail to please the Beast.
And so it was at three ay-ehm, in the year of our Lord, two thousand eleven, I, CTone, was sitting in the Recliner of Squeakiness trying to please the Beast with gifts of the finest plastic binkys and soft blankets woven from the manes of unicorn foals. Finally, when the sun crested on yonder hill, the Beast found satisfaction from a magic potion made of Formula from the distant land of Enfamil; but only after the Beast's portion of the elixir was tripled did he slumber in sweet Formula induced coma. The Beast was then strapped gently into the Swing of Peace, so as to not awaken him, and then once he was temporarily bound in the Swing was there silence in the land.
I cry out now from the Sea of Exhaustion where I must perform my duties with diligence under much gnashing of teeth. Tonight I shall not fail to please the Beast.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Future weapon violence
I clicked over to this backyard brawl video from Ace of Spades, and being honest I was flim-flammed. Well played, fellas; you got me. ***NSFW - language***
Don't knock it before you watched the whole thing through.
Don't knock it before you watched the whole thing through.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Bersa making stun guns now?
I find this funny as hell, even though I have more respect for the .380 ACP cartridge than that.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
So many millimeters
I'm watching Dealiest Warrior right now, the episode that versus Saddam Hussein against Pol Pot, and I notice that Saddam's Republican Guard carried some serious firepower:
The RPK must have ferocious recoil from firing a round like that! They also state that the Tokarev T-33 pistol that Pol Pot's warriors used is chambered in 9mm which is incorrect; it's chambered in 7.62x25mm. Fortunately, the Browning High Power won out over the Tokarev.
Overall, the show is pretty cool. In this episode, they have a former Iraqi General who defected from the army after he had reservations about murdering unarmed people to death with chemical warfare agents. It was a good call on his part, and America swooped him up gladly. I'm still watching it right now, so I'm going to get back to it.
The RPK must have ferocious recoil from firing a round like that! They also state that the Tokarev T-33 pistol that Pol Pot's warriors used is chambered in 9mm which is incorrect; it's chambered in 7.62x25mm. Fortunately, the Browning High Power won out over the Tokarev.
Overall, the show is pretty cool. In this episode, they have a former Iraqi General who defected from the army after he had reservations about murdering unarmed people to death with chemical warfare agents. It was a good call on his part, and America swooped him up gladly. I'm still watching it right now, so I'm going to get back to it.
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