Thursday, March 17, 2011

Are these the new dangerous times?

When I was a kid, there was the always constant threat of all out nuclear war with Russia, which would have likely destroyed every living thing on the entire planet. I mean, Russia had something along the lines of 30,000 nuclear missiles, all of them pointed at the US, and that discounts their. . . .ahem. . .robust chemical and biological weapons programs, all of which were too, aimed at the free world.

To me, the threats that we face today pale in comparison. Not to downplay 9/11 or anything, as loosing thousands of Americans in a terrorist attack was definitely a defining time in this country, but for several decades people in the US went about their day knowing that if there was an attack, millions of people would die, and that is if everything didn't go as bad as we had been told.

Today I take a look at the news to find material to mock, and am treated with sensational headlines describing how some miscreant placed what could only be a plastic soda bomb on somebody's window sill, spraying high velocity shards of glass from a single window across ten whole feet of lawn, complete with breathtaking "RAW" footage of firefighters milling around their truck, and cops slowly walking through the woods with flashlights. There's also the breaking report of the DC GOP office getting its windows "shot out" (cracked, but still standing) by hard-core violent gangsters firing high velocity BBs from an air rifle. The audacity of these people. Oooh, and how can I forget the edge-of-your-seat breaking news story about shoppers in a mall in Roanoke loosing their shit over the sight of an old man walking the isles holding an umbrella, which they thought was an AK, or even an RPG picked up at a gunshow in Arizona for $38. It was raining that day, which is theoretically why a man would have on his person an umbrella; and the PEW PEW PEW sounds the man imagined coming out of the moist instrument were telepathically picked up by other shoppers and mistaken for actual automatic gunfire from a rifle. Lastly, the news is putting up a desperate attempt to scare the shit out of every American over the nuclear reactors in Japan with stories of "all hope is lost" and "DEATH CLOUDS!!!" DEATH CLOUDS will come and eat the brains of your children while they sleep peacefully in their beds dreaming childish stories of Chicken Little telling everybody that the sky is falling!

Be advised that DEATH CLOUDS are in no way related to DEATH BLOSSOMS (warning, language).

So if the latest round of news stories is any indication, America is about as secure as it could possibly be. And don't forget that this feeling of safety is facilitated in large part by bad ass Americans killing tangos across the globe.
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