Monday, December 12, 2011

Mommas, don't let your hippies grow up to be toilet technologists

As much as it angers me to do it, I have to again revisit the topic of toilets because this shit is pissing me off (the pun - flows through me, it does)!!

This is in no way gun related, but it has to be said.

The idea of low flow toilets had to have been conceived by stinky hippie engineers who dreamed of an invention to torture the common man. Little did they know about the severe water overuse in B.F., Virginia because toilets in a certain commercial building were flushed at least three times per use. There are babies suffering somewhere, in some forgotten country probably ending in -stan, because of this insane overuse of water here. Trust me.

Secondary to the malicious intent of torturing mankind and making foreign babies suffer is the thought that by making toilets use less water, somehow polar bears and penguins would have more ice to sit on. Or some shit like that. Saving water is what hippies do, damn the reasons and consequences, and they thought that that end could be accomplished in the engineering department of American Standard. What they in fact did is create toilets that have to be flushed, re-flushed, and re-flushed again, and possibly re-flushed several more times in order to achieve the same outcome as a toilet that uses twice as much water in one flush, which runs counter to the "low flow" label that they're branded with.

"High efficiency," my ass.

When using a toilet in the building where I work, there are always leftovers if you dare to check. Every single time. Before you even use the toilet, the very first thing you have to do is flush; and once you're done, it's a mandatory two flushes at the very least, and there will still be leftovers. And if your portion size is. . . .ummmm. . . let's say larger than industry standard, sometimes you wind up with a turd stuck fast to the side of the bowl that a measly 1.6 gallons of water just can't dislodge. That's a fact. With all the snorting toilets in the men's room, and the muffled toilet snorts heard through the wall from the ladies room, you would think a sounder of agitated warthogs lived here.

So the end result is that more water is used instead of less, which could all have been avoided by leaving toilet technology well enough alone; something some folks just can't seem to do. Accept that there are some things in life that can't be improved upon: take forks for example (You now associate turds with forks. Thanks, CTone!). There isn't anything that can be done to improve how forks function. Forks design has stayed pretty much the same for hundreds of years, if not thousands, but you can bet that some hairy toed hippie has thought of shortening the fork's tines to make people use less food or something, and thus save the moose. Following in that logic, maybe we can save the Teamster population by making shovels smaller, too; or make poop disappear just as well as 3.5 gallons by using half as much.

Fix it! Or at the very least, add a selector switch. I mean, we have adjustable gas blocks. Why not adjustable toilet flow regulators?

"Oooof. This one's gonna be a doozie! Better switch from "standard" to "dirty.""


Broken Andy said...

No significant change in fork technology! Have you not heard of the spork? That is one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century.

Drew said...

i'm gonna guess it was invented by a woman, nothing against women i just don't see some big burly guy who looks like john candy inventing something like that. besides for womens uses 1.6L will probably get the job done everytime, even for solids.

Unknown said...

A spork? Ah, come on - do you eat Thanksgiving dinner with a spork? They work well enough with pork and beans, and maybe the spork would be a little more mainstream if they were offered in silver. . . hmmmm. I see a money making venture in there somewhere.

Drew - definitely not invented by a man. The last toilet I put in my house advertised that it would flush an entire bathroom wastebasket of golfballs in one flush! Sold!

Old NFO said...

And San Francisco is having MAJOR problems with odor control due to all the low flows, since there isn't enough water flowing to actually MOVE the 'deposits' down the pipes... I put 'commercial' 3.5g toilets in my house years ago, and I'll be damned if I'll ever take em out.