Mark of the Beasts

And behold! I looked, and there before me was the smallest Beast, clothed in a garment made of soft pastel blue linen, fastened with monochrome buttons of doom. He had the power to keep mankind awake for days and days on end, and on his gums were two crowns, razor sharp and white as the stars. Out of his mouth poured drool and partially digested Formula crafted by the inhabitants of the city called Costco, which stained the tunic of whom it contacted.

Then I heard the second Beast say "Dahrglah!" - his speech still bound by the Ninny from Nuk. A giant with sandy blonde hair and fiery blue eyes, wearing a large smile, he rode a horse called Corn Popper, and smell followed with him. His power was to terrify mankind by climbing to the top of everything in his sight, and to consume all the food and all the drink in his path, and to torment with Corn Popper. Then he poured out his bowl onto the land, and soggy Kix filled the carpet and soaked all who were near.

Then I saw the third Beast, and out of his mouth came an endless stream of words, a dialect far beyond his age. He wore a T-shirt and underoos, and wielded a furious temper. His power was to horde all manner of things, and to exhaust mankind with his energy and his words. And I saw the writing on his wall, and under his bed the souls of the crackers and fruit snacks that had been slain by the Beast because he would gather them while the other Beasts slept.

And behold, the fourth Beast! Riding a thousand stuffed stallions, in her hands were colored swords of wax and paper, and her power was to send forth a plague of stickers in all colors and sizes. There was no end to what the stickers adhered to: to the socks of men, and to the bedding, and to the furniture! The fourth Beast's stickers consumed everything, and her wax swords destroyed all the paper and counter-tops throughout the land!

The the two elder Beasts looked upon the four younger Beasts with bloodshot eyes and saw that it was good.