Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Landscaping becoming a dangerous career in North West DC

Nothing like the prospect of having your kids dig up a bottle of Lewisite in the back yard to drive property values up. If you're the kind of person who won't be digging around planting petunias in your backyard, I hear Spring Valley offers some lovely property!

Ahh, the sweet aroma of mustard. Just another reminder of all those days in the trenches in France. You can enjoy the privacy of 24/7 access to the conveniently located drop box at the investigation office trailer where you can anonymously drop off those old chemical mortar rounds that you hit with the lawnmower before heading off to work.

And personally, I prefer arsenic added to my drinking water to give it a bit of spiciness. Studies show that it helps with child development too! Perfect!

Seriously though, I understand that this massive government screwup happened like seventy something years ago, but I am stunned to believe that even back then people were so stupid as to randomly bury ordnance.

Dr. Vern - "Hey Bill, what the hell do we do with all these chemical warfare munitions? There's thousands of them!"

Agent Bill - "Man, I don't know. . . .that shit is super deadly. I don't want to touch em. Didga see what that stuff did to Bob? Melted his skin right to the bone!"

Dr. Vern - "I reckon the safe and responsible thing to do with them then is to go ahead and bury them in dozens of shallow unmarked pits."

Agent Bill - "Right! I'll cover them up with the ledgers as an added layer of protection; the American public shouldn't have to loose any sleep by knowing how much of this stuff we safely buried."

Dr. Vern - "Go ahead and throw in all those fragile glass beakers too! Might as well make those safe while we're at it!"

Agent Bill - "You're a genious Vern! Someday, many years from now, citizens of this city will thank us for our unbending commitment to providing safe government service by not gaffing off the disposal of all these deadly blister agent bombs! You can count on that!"

This sort of thinking seems to be rampant around the nation's capitol.
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