Friday, March 25, 2011

Slacks suck

There's been a moratorium in my office on the wearing of pants that have cargo pockets, which means that 5.11 brand pants are out. I've been told that the new policy that I have yet to receive will outline the use of slacks, polo shirts, coat and tie, and general "business casual" attire as the authorized duds of the day. If you are offended by strong language, than you may want to click somewhere else, because I just have to say: Fuck that!

I've been wearing slacks now for almost three weeks, and I can't tell you how much I miss my 5.11s. If you are like me and carry many useful items to help you through the journey of life, than you probably notice that slacks only enable you to comfortably carry a small tube of BENGAY and Paw Paw's mini stockman, as slacks were designed like 6,000 years ago by crusty old codgers who fathered neanderthals.

Overall I am not a fan of Western style dress, and loath how little it has changed over the centuries. To me, the "white collar" folks are the ones plummeting at speed into natural selection, as nobody there seems to give a shit about utility anymore. It's gotta be the engineers that are doing it; I bitch about how they are ruining the world all the time, and clothing designers are engineers of sorts. Where is the utility in having two wimpy little pockets in the front of your britches, and two tiny pockets in the back that barely hold a credit card? What the fuck do I do with my gigantic cellphone? I literally carry it in my hand these days, because if I stick it in my pocket with my Fenix flashlight, thumb drive, pocket change, pocket knife, it will be scratched to hell and back before the day it over. I have gotten into the habit of dropping it into the single pocket on my "professionals shirt," which means that every time I bend over to pick something up, my phone goes clattering to the ground. 5.11 pants have these neat little pieces of rectangular fabric sewn onto sides of the legs that are crazy useful for holding things like cell phones. The back pockets are not only fully capable of holding a man's wallet, but I have not failed to notice that I can conceal a government sized 1911 in there with no problem. That right there tells me that mankind has made a huge advancement that should be taken seriously. Somewhere along the line though some old fuckers are still holding tight to the pant design that their Great Grandpappy loved back before we had wonderful things like cars and airplanes, and the excuse offered for not allowing modern advancements to be worn in the workplace is that they do not look "professional."




Not professional.

Notice the rectangular pieces of fabric sewn to the legs? That's uneccessary, icky, and thus is only worn by scumbags. For a man to look professional, he must wear slacks, a button up shirt, and a neck tie. Because nothing shouts "I'm a motherfucking Professional" quite like a piece of flamboyantly colored fabric strung around your neck. Totally neccessary, a necktie is. Notice how professional this guy looks:

He has that fabric around his neck. Professional.

This guy? Not so much:

See, he has all of that uneccessary stuff, called "pockets" all over his trousers and shit. Having a place to hold all of your things is uneccessary and looks tacky. To be a real man, he needs to have the fabric tied tight around his neck, and have an uninsulated jacket that makes his shoulders look square, because the Lord forgot to make him that way, look:

Doesn't he look sharp? No, really, doesn't he look like he was just pulled out of a pencil sharpener?

Mankind built this thing and used it to send people to the moon, have built this thing to find and cut out tumors in people's heads, and yet still tie brightly colored napkins around our necks and hope it doesn't get hung the fuck up in the paper shredder, killing our stupid asses dead. They're a safety hazard for sure, and serve no purpose at all. And those ridiculous and uncomfortable jackets? What purpose do they serve? Are they any better than my TAD Gear Stealth Hoodie? Will they hold a sippy cup? Will they hold anything? If you have ton of kids like I do, you may find it helpful to know that you can fit two (2) sippy cups in one (1) cargo pocket on the 5.11 pants. Several diapers, or a small pack of baby wipes, or a paperback book, or a technical manual will fit in one of those pockets as well, making them very practical and utilitarian. But alas, it's not about being able to have things on your person to accomplish things like your job, it's about looking Professional:

Man, those shoulders sure do look sharp! By my estimation, he would be qualified to wear that outstanding outfit to my work and be counted amongst the Professional alumni here. This guy would too:
But not this guy:

Yes, I am bitter.


Nancy R. said...

At least guy slacks have bigger pockets that chick slacks. Not that I can find any to fit anyway with a 36" inseam. Can I come over and sit on the bitter side of aisle with you?

Unknown said...

Don't even get me started on girly clothes. Pockets aren't even a consideration! My post got cut short due to other workly things, but I meant to make it cover the whole spectrum of clothing suck. 200 years ago people had an understanding of utility, which I find is incredibly lacking these days, and really think I was born in the wrong century.