Random local violence roundup

Well now, it seems the local savages have been pounding their war drums this week and getting themselves in heaps of trouble.

First up we have the hard-core natives hailing from Culpeper county, Virginia fighting over the important things in life:

"Man charged after report of shots fired at controversial Culpeper river swimming hole"

I mean, we have droughts around here in the summer and all, but this sure ain't the Sahara or anything. Gunfighting over the local watering hole? Whuuuuuuuut??!?!?

Next we have a masked crusader who tried to Robin Hood the milk from the Stafford county Wal-Mart and deliver it to the emaciated community. Why, he should be given a medal and six high-fives! It takes a huge heart to steal milk from the rich and give it to the poor.

Meanwhile, in Spotsylvania county, desperate gunman robbed a pizzeria known to be a huge depository of county funds and Mountain Dew, but mostly Mountain Dew. The county has tried to keep it a secret that the store keeps $40 in cash there at all times, but the criminals these days have access to real-time intel on where the goods are being held.

Also, Stafford teens are getting into their groove by going all stabby on one another during Spring Break. If the adults are doing it, than why not? Right? Criminals gots to learn the ropes somehow.

Again in Spotsylvania, a young man was accosted by someone or something; we have no idea what or how, except that he was found in a ditch unconscious. Looks like we have ourselves a mystery, gang.

And no doubt all this violent rage is being fueled by massive quantities of prescription drugs from King George county. Generally, the local people in the surrounding counties are very docile and polite, but quickly turn to armed robbery, assault, gun violence, fornication, and ritual animal sacrifice when exposed to the dredges of their medicine cabinet which was stolen from them and then sold back at an inflated price plus interest.

Central Virginia used to be a place where random violence like this was unheard of. With the influx of tens of thousands of morons from Elsewhere, America, the crime rate is increasing rapidly. Or it could be the lax gun laws. You chose.