I'm about as smart-assed as they come. I mean, I have to hold my breath and struggle to remain serious about everything, and not crack stupid redundant jokes in every single conversation.
--Wife: "I'm gonna jump in the shower."
--Me: "You shouldn't jump in the shower; it's dangerous."
--Wife: "That wasn't even funny five years ago. Does that ever get old?"
So it's bedtime for my kids, and I suggest to my firstborn son (almost 3 years old) that he set up his bag of Cracker Barrel pirate figures in his bedroom and make the black pirates fight the red ones.
--Son: "But I caaaan't. It's dark in there and I'm scared of monsters."
--Me: "Your scared of what? Lobsters?"
--Son: "No. Monsters."
--Me: "Mobsters?!?" You're scared of Mobsters?"
--Son: "No. Monsters. And I'm scared of gween bwobs."
--Me: "I'm totally putting that on the internet!"
A couple of months ago he ran up to me enthusiastically and told me he saw a "wizard," which I knew through my Divine, daddy translation skills meant "lizard," but I just couldn't resist:
--Me: "You saw a Wizard! Cooool! Did he have a long beard?"
--Son: "No daddy. I said wizard!"
--Me: "Was the Wizard's name Gandalf?"
--Son: "No, daddy!! I said Wizard!! Not Wizard!!"
Kids can be endless entertainment! And yes, I can be a dick.