Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into your swim trunks

Along comes the Girl Scouts and their stupid (and yes, delicious) cookies to completely and utterly destroy your waistline. The cookie boxes should have a BMI chart on the side so you can quantify the damage to your body, that way you would at least be informed.

It's bad enough that the calorie count in the nutrition facts label is measured in metric tons instead of grams, but the serving size is between 2 and 4 not-even-bite-sized cookies! I mean the things aren't even the size of a single Doritos chip! Lookie - the appropriately named Thanks-A-Lot wields 150 metric tons of calories for every two (2) cookies. Did you know a grown man can easily manage three cookies per bite?

In a moment of weakness, I smashed through the better part of a box of Samoas right after dinner last night, and it took me not even thirty seconds to condemn my flanks to several extra pounds. I might as well have swallowed a shoebox full of 1 oz. fishing weights and chased it with four cases of Stella Artois; at least I wouldn't have felt so sick afterwords. And before you judge me, I'm not the one that orders a cord of them every year; but when they're sitting there on the counter all vulnerable and defenseless, all the willpower in the world can't keep someone from devouring them with total abandon. I'm serious when I say that Girl Scout cookies need to be heavily regulated, with red-light districts put up all over town full of establishments that serve them so that those who must have them have a place to go and eat, and the rest of us who know well enough to avoid them won't be tempted.
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