Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The vanity of this silly country will be its ruin

AAAHHHHHGHGGGGG!!! I swear (no really!), the absurd amount of fashion and vanity that is present in this country is depressing!!

Based on Andy's sound advice, I've scoured the internet looking for a medical ID bracelet for the afore mentioned allergy problem that I have, and instead of something simple and functional the market is instead flooded with jewelry. Jewelry. Accoutrement's that make you fashionable. Somewhere along the line some yayhoo decided that simple utility should take a back seat to looking cooooool. When I was a dumb wee lad, the way to look cool was to roll your Camels up in the sleeve of your white T-shirt.

That's all changed now.

Want a life saving medical marker for your wrist? Too bad the EMT looking for one on your soon-to-be corpse will pass over it while admiring your pathetic designer tribal cuff. What is this garbage!?!? Pleaseohplease tell me: What does your conceited, vainglorious, extroverted, bubbly personality have to do with a lifesaving device crafted for the sole purpose of identifying your severe medical condition? That's right, nothing!

It's abundantly obvious that idolatry is here to stay in America. Pity.

What I'm now looking for is a solid, stainless steel band with all my allergy gibberish on it, but with the whole shootin' match ceramic coated bright red. Bright red, as in LOOOOKY HERE EMT DUDE!!! MEDICAL ALERT THINGY!!! SAVE MY LIFE!!!! Not "Looky here EMT dude. I'm a charming thirty something with a fondness for shiny beads, horses, and long walks on the beach. I like taking long showers, and sometimes I get butterflys in my stomach when the cute clerk at Wegmans asks me if I have a bonus card. I'm insecure about the dark birthmark on my finger, and sometimes I cry quietly about it at night."

What I don't need is a leather, barbed wire abomination that some off duty nurse who sprung to help my dying ass will end up too busy laughing herself to death over to administer my epinephrine. Get over yourselves, people!
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